The Alzheimer's Digest: Dating and Caregiving

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Dating and Caregiving

While you were in high school, you likely found that bringing your new love home to meet your parents was a nerve wracking experience. Your parents were dorky (or whatever the word for parents was at that time). Your dad would give the guy an evil eye. Your mom would fuss and act weird. But you got through it because you needed to.

Who knew that you'd be doing the same thing all over again? Only now, you are middle aged or older and your parent or parents have dementia. They are argumentative and controlling. It seems like they want all of your time. They hate change. They will remind you that you "failed at marriage before" and that you should leave well enough alone at your age. The list goes on…

As if that weren't enough, your time is so limited that you can hardly squeeze in a nice bath without interruption. How are you going to date under these circumstances? And how do you cope with the guilt you feel about shortchanging everyone because of your lack of time?

Introducing Your Date to Your Aging Parents

When I look at this first step, I relate it to a young mother with kids. I rarely compare elder care to child care, because I find that comparison demeaning to the elder, but there are times when it's nearly unavoidable. This is one of those times. Because your parents may be at a time and place in their lives where they are vulnerable, and could easily jump to the conclusion that your will not have time for them if you find romantic love in your life, I'd advise you don't bring home every "perhaps" date you go on. If your friend sets you up with a date, go ahead, but give it time before you take the plunge with a whole family introduction.

Educate Your Date

If you do feel, after a number of dates, that it's time for your new love to meet your parents, and perhaps learn to understand the constraints caregiving puts on your life, then see if that person is willing to become educated about your parents' illness. Is Alzheimer's a factor? Get some information about the disease from your local Alzheimer's organization and ask him or her to read it. If the person you are dating will not make any effort to understand your situation, or that of your parents, consider this a red flag. Caregiving is a huge part of your life. "Caregiver" is one of your job titles. This role should be respected by someone who cares about you.

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Dementia Signage for the Home