The Alzheimer's Digest: Siblings

Friday, May 10, 2013

The 12 Things Caregiving Siblings Dislike About Their Brothers and Sisters

1. Calling to ask how the person being cared for is doing – but not asking about the sibling caregiver.

This one's easy. Your sibling wants to know a) you care about him or her, b) you appreciate the responsibility she's taken on, and c) you're ready, willing, and able to listen if she needs to vent a bit.

2. Offering to help – but always having other plans when the offer is called in.

We all have to make our own decisions about how we spend our time. But if your "I can'ts" outnumber your "sures" then your equation is off, and not helpful. Try making specific offers for things or dates you're sure you can follow through on

3. Canceling your help, especially at the last minute.

Even worse than not ever being available is to promise to do something and then skunk out. Conflicts happen, but for caregiving sibs, last-minute changes can be impossible to roll with – costing money or a cancellation of their own plans.

4. Fashioning elaborate excuses why you can't help.

Boils down to: You can, or you can't. Justifying your busyness isn't necessary or helpful.

5. Wanting to be praised and thanked endlessly – for the tiniest little thing.

Hands-on or live-in caregivers do unimaginable grunt work 24-7. So when you take the gang out to brunch or volunteer to run some errands, it's wonderful. It's just not kudos-worthy, at least not from your sibling.

6. Never asking how the money's holding out (the parent's or the caregiver's).

Understandably, it's awkward--and you don't want to appear to be prying into others' finances. But taking care of someone is costly. Checking in on cash flow periodically can influence what kinds of plans need to be collectively made about care locations, support caregivers, adult day care, and so on. And it's another way to communicate that you're thinking about your sib.

7. Sending postcards from glorious vacation spots (when the sib hasn't had a proper vacation in months or longer).

Better: Figure out how to whisk the caregiving sib away once in awhile. (Even an afternoon at a day spa can feel like a resort.)

8. Dropping in to visit – and expecting to be entertained.

You've been siblings a long time. You probably know where the coffee pot is! Better yet, take your parent out for coffee – or better still, a meal and a movie – and give your sib a break.

9. Ignoring distress signals.

Surreptitiously keep an eye on your sib for things like depression or stress overload. And when he or she shouts out for help in a more obvious way, answer.

10. Not offering to divide and conquer.

Lots of us are squeamish about changing adult diapers or have lifestyles that don't allow us to be a primary caregiver. But looking after aging loved ones has many components, so try not to let one sibling shoulder physical care as well as finances, insurance, medical research, and so on. Dividing the components of care makes for a good checks-and-balances system, too.

11. Playing the "Mom always liked you best" card.

The parent-caring relationship can intensify the closeness of the caregiver's bond with the parent(s). This is the silver lining of caregiving that many caregivers are blessed to know. For those sibs on the outside, there can be prickles of envy or jealousy. Know this, don't blame your sib for it, and get over it. Everybody has a unique relationship with a parent, and it ebbs and flows over time.

12. Criticizing, whether to the sib's face or behind her back (or especially to her spouse!).

If you see something you don't like in a caregiving situation, it's usually a good idea to speak up about it, so long as you can frame it in a constructive way. Don't think Mom is being kept busy enough? Offer to take her to a senior center or fund an elder companion. Don't like that Dad's still allowed to drive? Present a plan to take away the keys and find alternative transportation.

Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

_______________________________

Custom Dartboards

$63.95 - Dartboard (Green)

$74.75 - Dartboard (Orange)

$74.75 - Dartboard (Navy Blue)

$74.75 - Dartboard (Yellow)

$74.75 - Dartboard (White)

$74.75 - Dartboard (Red)

$74.75 - Dartboard (Blue)

$74.75 - Dartboard (Black)

$74.75 - Dartboard (Bright Pink)

$74.75 - Dartboard (Purple)

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

When Siblings Make Excuses For Not Helping You Take Care of Mom and Dad

"I Don't Have the Money"

Let's say you have a brother in a distant state who says he'd be happy to help out by paying for some respite care for you, the caregiver, but he just doesn't have the money.

Maybe he's right. He doesn't have the money. But there are other ways he can help, if he actually wants to. He can take over some of the bookkeeping tasks that suck time from your day. He can be the point person for sorting through Medicare bills and other health insurance issues. He can, especially in this day of Internet communication, become part of the caregiving unit by providing whatever help he can.

"I Can't Bear to See Mom/Dad Like That"

They think you like it? Day after day you watch the decline. You help them with everything, including very intimate day-to-day functions, such as toileting. Do your siblings think this step has been easy for you?

The first time I took my dad to the bathroom is branded on my brain. Mom had gone out to run an errand and there was no choice. Dad had to go.

I was sick over the thought that he'd find the process humiliating. Thank God, it didn't seem to bother him. But it was very hard on me. This was my dad. Yes, he'd changed my diapers when I was a baby. But no matter how much of him illness had taken, I wanted to preserve his dignity, and having ones' kids take over bathroom duties isn't what most people would want. However, I did what needed to be done, and soon it was automatic. After a time, I never gave it a thought.

Other agonizing adjustments we make as we watch our parents decline include bathing parents, feeding them, coping with irrational outbursts, dressing them, and just about any other duty one can do for a child, without a thought.

Please don't misunderstand. Most of us are honored to be able to help our elders through these stages. It's the sadness of coping with their decline that causes our pain. Don't our siblings understand that we "can't bear to see him or her like this" either? Probably not. Maybe we are just braver than they are. Maybe we are just more "dutiful." Maybe we are just, well, on the spot. Whatever the reason, we step up to the plate and do what is required. If we're uncomfortable, we do it anyway. We get over our discomfort.

Be Direct With Requests for Help

Caregivers should use some insight. We need to examine whether or not we've made direct requests and if we've actually given our siblings a chance to help. Some "outside" siblings complain that they aren't let into the caregiving circle. This does happen. A caregiver who never directly asks for help forfeits the right to complain about unhelpful siblings.

______________________________

Dementia Signage for the Home

15% Off ALL Products
Ends May 1 at 11:59 PM PT!

Enter code: MAKEHERSMILE
at checkout in the "Zazzle Coupons/Gift Certificates" box

15% of the product net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying products are purchased and the coupon code MAKEHERSMILE is applied at checkout.