Life After Caregiving

"I'm glad that I am my parents' caregiver, but I had no idea how hard it would be to move on with my life," writes Mary, a Caring.com Steps & Stages participant who's also an active blogger. "I didn't know that my desire for 'freedom' was going to be handed to me on a silver platter and I was going to stand, frozen in place, wondering what to do with it." Mary reflects what many post-caregivers feel.
Many moved near -- or even moved in with -- their loved ones, cutting hours at work or stepping away from careers or meaningful activities and friendships. Weeks turned into months and even years, and now facing life after caregiving feels uncertain.

How do you find life after caregiving? Nany caregivers continue to stay active online as their lives transition after caregiving. We've looked for nuggets of wisdom and insights from those who have walked this journey, and we've found some great tips that will aid in leading you to life beyond caregiving.

Give yourself time to grieve and to heal -- and avoid comparing your timetable.

"How long will it be before I feel like 'me' again?" Jeanie, a post-caregiver, asked. Grief looks different on every person. It's OK if you spend weeks or months after your loved one has passed being weepy. It's also OK to not shed a tear. Russell Friedman, executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute and coauthor of The Grief Recovery Handbook, reminds us that it's important to honor right where we are -- even if we're not "fine." Just ride the waves of grief, however unpredictable, and trust that if you really live this natural transition, in time it will pass. When will you feel like yourself again? You might not ever feel like your old self -- too much has happened -- but it doesn't mean that you won't welcome the new you that emerges in time.

Welcome a fresh start.

No, you're not who you were, but is that such a bad thing? It might be difficult to admit, but were there aspects of your life before caregiving that you might be glad to change? Here's your chance. Just because you were in banking/nursing/teaching or whatever profession before doesn't mean you have to go back. Take a look at all the decisions, from where to live and work to your friendships. There's something exhilarating about striking out in a new direction. Does this sound scary? It is! Invite your concerns along for the ride -- just tell them they have to sit in the backseat.

Many spouses and family caregivers feel guilty for making choices they wouldn't have made while their loved one was alive. Let yourself take a little bit of time and effort to figure out who you are and what you want. Give yourself permission to try something out of the norm, even outrageous, whether it's online dating; pursuing a degree in your 50s, 60s, or beyond; or even taking up ballroom dancing lessons. It just might be time to say "yes" and let life surprise you.

Create a social circle.

It's not that we mean for it to happen, but our world grows smaller as our caregiving increases. A recent poll conducted by Caring.com found that nearly half of respondents say they do not have an active social life outside their home. In fact, only about 1 in 10 is satisfied with their social life. If that's happened to you, then ask yourself, "What do I miss? Whom would I like to call?" Explain that caregiving was really hard and you'd like to get back together. Or pick up new activities and find new friendships, ones that reflect your interests today. Studies have shown that people with strong friendships enjoy better health and have a more positive outlook.

Tap into your resilience and assess the skills you've gained.

Caregiving shows us that we are stronger and far more resilient that we could have ever imagined. The same strength it took to stand up for your loved one and advocate for good care is available for your own life. You've learned how to navigate the medical community, figured out insurance coding, worked through difficult family issues, and even walked with your loved one through the dying process.

You gave yourself to caregiving and you made a real difference for your loved one -- now take all that love and strength and commitment and give it to yourself. Finding your way to life after caregiving isn't always easy, and building a life you love will take time. But then, one day, for no particular reason, you'll be doing something ordinary -- like driving to the grocery store or watering your flowers, and you'll realize that life is good, real good.

What's Mary doing? Eighteen months after her dad passed, Mary is now a nanny for two different families. "Every day I go to work and care for these babies, I find myself laughing and smiling more and more. For so long I wondered how in the world I'd find something I'd care about -- and now I do!"

_________________________

Dementia Signage for the Home

Red Dry Erase Board

$39.95 - Bathroom Door Sign-Temporary/Reusable Wall Skins

see on 2 products

$39.95 - Bathroom Routine Activity Checklist (for Men) Room Graphics

$39.95 - Bedroom Door Sign-Temporary/Reusable Wall Decal

see on 2 products

$35.95 - Checklist for Brushing Teeth Wall Decal

$35.95 - Checklist for Getting Dressed Wall Decal

$35.95 - EZ-C Bright Yellow Phone List Wall Decal

see on 2 products

$49.00 - EZ-C Bold Yellow Temporary/Reusable Sign/ Wall Graphic

see on 7 products

$49.00 - EZ-C Bright Green Temporary/Reusable Sign/ Wall Graphics

see on 7 products

$35.95 - Phone List Wall Decal

see on 2 products

$29.95 - Stop Sign--Temporary/Reusable Wall Sticker

$35.95 - Temporary/Reusable Sign/ Wall Skin

see on 7 products

$49.00 - Temporary/Reusable Sign (Red w/White Text)/ Room Graphics

see on 7 products

$49.00 - Temporary/Reusable Sign (Red w/Black Text)/ Room Decals

see on 7 products

10 Warning Signs of Alzheimer's and Dementia

How do you know if your parent has Alzheimer's disease or dementia? If dad continually forgets where he puts his keys, or mom seems to get easily confused these days, does it mean they have Alzheimer's? Not necessarily. Only a doctor can diagnose the condition. Every person experiences different symptoms, to different degrees. But here are some warning signs to look for.

1. Forgetfulness and memory loss The most common symptom of Alzheimer's disease is memory loss. However, just because dad can't remember where he put his shoes or calls the grandkids by the wrong name doesn't mean he has Alzheimer's. Anyone can sometimes forget the details of a conversation, but early onset Alzheimer's causes a person to forget entire conversations that took place only moments ago. Alzheimer's usually affects short-term memory first, meaning the person forgets information that he/she recently learned. They have trouble remembering important dates and events. They ask for the same information over and over again. They may even forget the faces of family members.
2. Lack of concentration and confusion
   Getting confused about times and places is a common sign of Alzheimer's. Your mom or dad may have difficulty concentrating and take much longer to do things than they did before. People with Alzheimer's may forget where they are, or how they got there. They might have difficulty understanding that an event happened in the past, or will be occurring in the future, versus something that is happening in the present. They lose track of the seasons and passage of time.
3. Losing things
   A person with Alzheimer's disease may put things in unusual places. For example, misplacing your keys can a happen to anyone, but finding lost keys in the freezer could indicate Alzheimer's. A person with Alzheimer's may lose things and be unable to retrace steps to find them again. They may swear they placed an object in a certain place, and accuse others of stealing it when it doesn't turn up where they expected to find it.
4. Difficulty doing familiar tasks
   Alzheimer's affects the ability to do normal, everyday tasks. People may have trouble remembering how to drive, how to cook a favorite recipe, or how to play a familiar game. They may start relying more on a spouse or family member to do things for them that they once enjoyed doing themselves.
5. Language and speaking problems
   People with Alzheimer's have trouble remembering the right words. For example, they say "what-cha-ma-call-it" instead of eyeglasses, or call a watch a "hand-clock."
6. Problems with simple math
   People in the early stages of Alzheimer's may have difficulty working with numbers, including simple math problems. They may have trouble balancing a checkbook, or calculating simple addition. Along with math, Alzheimer's can affect one's abilities related to vision, such as depth perception, judging distance or seeing colors.
7. Poor judgment
   Look for changes in decision making, rationalizing and judgment skills. A person who has made poor decisions all of their life might not have Alzheimer's. But Alzheimer's could be the culprit when a once logical decision maker who weighed all the options and made sound decisions suddenly exhibits poor judgment.
8. Personality changes and mood swings
   A person with Alzheimer's might exhibit changes in personality and sudden mood swings. They could become fearful, suspicious, depressed, fearful or anxious. A once self-confident person might become tentative and shy. They may be easily upset at home, or in places where they are out of their comfort zone.
9. Changes in grooming and personal hygiene
   Sudden or declining attention to hygiene – not bathing, wearing the same clothes over and over again, not brushing teeth – can point to Alzheimer's disease. When a person once kept her home immaculate all her life, but suddenly stop cleaning and leaves clutter laying around for weeks, it could be cause for concern.
10. Withdrawing from friends and family
    Someone with Alzheimer's might start withdrawing from family, friends and activities they once enjoyed. Rather than calling attention to memory lapses or communication issues, they avoid situations where they have to be around others. They are typically embarrassed at their inability to communicate or perform tasks like they once did. Alzheimer's-related depression also cause withdrawal from social situations.

Doctors diagnose Alzheimer's or dementia only if two or more brain functions - such as memory and language skills -- are significantly impaired without loss of consciousness. If you think someone you love has Alzheimer's disease, contact your doctor.

Dementia Signage for the Home

Red Dry Erase Board

_____________________________

Weekly Planner (Bright Pink) Memo Pad

$30.95

Weekly To Do List Notepad (White)

$30.95

EZ-C Bold Yellow Weekly To Do List Notepad

______________________________

Dementia Signage for the Home

$22.75 - Financial Records Organizer Vinyl Binder

$22.75 - EZ-C Bright Green 3 Ring Binder

10 Ways to Thank a Caregiver

What are you thankful for as a caregiver? The help of others? The miracle of patience? The grace of cherishing a loved one despite the grief caregiving brings? Rest assured that somebody is counting you among their blessings, too. They just might need help expressing it.


So here are some ideas for how to thank a caregiver, paid or unpaid. Pass them along; maybe the gratitude will float back to you. (Or maybe you can get a third party to send these hints to someone who needs them. We can wish on our wishbones, can't we?)

Thanking a family member"¦

• Mention caregivers by name in the Thanksgiving counting of the blessings. Before they feast, many families take inventory of all they have to be grateful for. Be sure that caregivers make the list.
  
• Give the gift of a day off. But don't just offer vaguely and wait for the caregiver to take you up on it. ("If you ever need help with Mom, Dad...") The person may feel uncomfortable reminding you of the offer later. Instead, name a specific day. Pitch a thought-out plan. Be proactive and persistent.
  
• Send a little something. If you live far from the caregiver, it's not too late to send flowers or a holiday card with a few words to let the person know you're thinking of him or her. Often it's only the aging or sick relative who gets this kind of attention -- appropriate and great, but insufficient.
  
• Bury the hatchet. Family grievances have a way of sprouting like weeds in the stress of watching a loved one decline. If you really want to thank a caregiver relative for all he or she does, forgive and forget some sticking point between you -- no matter who was at fault.
  
• Go classic. Thanksgiving is a nice time of year for small tokens like a massage certificate, some specialty tea or coffee, movie coupons, a restaurant or grocery store gift card. These work for hired caregivers as well, which brings me to"¦

Thanking a paid caregiver"¦

• Send GOOD food to a facility. Bringing treats to a nursing home or hospital is always welcomed by staff. But they don't really want or need more doughnuts, pizza, and cookies. Think seasonal and special: spiced nuts, pumpkin or cranberry muffins, a veggie tray, cheese and crackers, an edible flower-shaped fruit arrangement, sparkling grape juice.
  
• Provide the feast. For a special aide, hospice worker, or other helpers who have to work the holiday, consider putting together a basket of turkey-dinner fixings. They can take it home to prepare it another day. Or offer to fund (or prepare) a special staff luncheon for a facility.
  
• Offer a bonus. 'Tis the holiday season, and let's face it, hired caregivers are more valuable in terms of giving peace of mind and practical assistance than, say, your manicurist or dog groomer or others who crop up on annual lists of service workers who deserve something extra over the holiday. (Check what's permissible for people hired through agencies; some nurses and aides aren't permitted to accept gifts, while others have an amount ceiling.)
  
• Make a donation in a helpful staffer's name. A nice alternative where cash is verboten: Give to a pertinent organization (a local hospice or the Alzheimer's Association, for example). Key: Be sure to let the person's supervisor know.
  
• Above all, say it. The bare minimum way to give thanks to a caregiver is actually one that people in the business say they prize more than anything else: Hearing heartfelt "thanks." Write your gratitude down in a card or letter: "Because it's Thanksgiving, we're giving thanks that you've entered our lives to help X. And so we wanted to be sure you hear it directly: Thank You So Much for everything you do."

Happy Thanksgiving. What am I grateful for? Frankly, you.

Dementia Signage for the Home

Red Dry Erase Board

_____________________________

Weekly Planner (Bright Pink) Memo Pad

$30.95

Weekly To Do List Notepad (White)

$30.95

EZ-C Bold Yellow Weekly To Do List Notepad

______________________________

Dementia Signage for the Home

$22.75 - Financial Records Organizer Vinyl Binder

$22.75 - EZ-C Bright Green 3 Ring Binder