The Alzheimer's Digest: Aging Mother

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Should Mom Be Living Alone?

Recently I received a call from Michelle, an exasperated adult daughter asking if there was any legal way to get her elderly father to stop verbally abusing her and to accept a caregiver so she could move out of his house. She had moved in to help him after her mom passed, but was now trapped as he refused to move to assisted living or accept live-in help. Michelle started to cry, saying she had just called an agency where a man "laughed at me," saying her father could do whatever he wished in his own home short of physically abusing her. Since I have survived the same situation with my own father, I knew the misery she was going through.

It reminded me of a call I received from another adult child, Paul, begging for my advice on the same situation. He was at the hospital with his parents. His elderly father had accidentally burned the house down. He'd tried for years to convince them to move to assisted living or accept a caregiver, and a couple times even had everything lined up, but they'd cancel at the last minute. I felt so bad for him and suggested it might be best to wait until his parents recovered from the smoke inhalation before trying again. But Paul (a successful 60-year old businessman) burst into tears with, "I can't wait! My father already hired the contractor to rebuild the house. Jacqueline, my parents are 90 and 92!"I wish I had the iron-clad solution to this problem to help so many people. Since our civil rights are (fortunately) very strong in the United States, unless an individual is legally proven incompetent (a difficult process, but especially hard at the beginning stages of dementia), they cannot be forced to do/not do anything against their will – unless, of course, it's something illegal. The best way to increase the odds of a parent accepting help later in life is by starting end-of-life conversations early, and long before health and rational thinking start to deteriorate. When a parent's "Third Act" wishes have been discussed openly for years (and documented with living wills, trusts, durable powers of attorney for Health and Financial, etc.), when the time comes, the transition is less traumatic. The problem is that so many people never get up the nerve to broach such a sensitive subject, or every time they try, the parent gets mad, goes into denial, makes silly "senior moment" jokes, and nothing ever gets resolved. If this sounds like your situation and you've been procrastinating and avoiding "The Conversation," realize that when your parent does reach the crisis point and you have to step in, you have a lot of "convincing time" ahead of you.

Will Your Elderly Parents Be Safe Living Alone?Take a moment and remember when you were the child. Wouldn't your parent have done everything in their power to keep you safe, no matter how much you protested? Now, as hard as it is, you have to accept the role reversal and be the responsible "parent" who persists in making sure your parent is safe. And yes, even for those who have not been great parents, do the right thing and plan for good karma! When you know in your heart that your parent cannot remain safely in their home any longer, don't let demands and pleas cloud your better judgment. You know what they need, so don't end up a sad statistic by waiting for the heart-breaking middle-of-the-night crisis call about a broken hip, medicine overdose, stroke, or horrific car accident where they have been hurt or even killed, or some poor innocent family has been--and a lawsuit is certain. Reach for Support ASAPBe sure to ask all the relatives, friends, clergy, healthcare professionals/ doctors to back up your specific plans by calling or coming in-person to see your parent to add words of encouragement and support. You might even ask everyone to visit at the same time to help with an intervention of sorts, where hopefully your parent finally understands the seriousness of the situation and "sees the light."
Finally, realize that nearly everyone who has ever lived since the beginning of time, who has been lucky enough to have their elders reach old age, has experienced the pain of watching their once-competent parents decline, need help, and pass away. We all intellectually know it is a sad part of life, but even with all that's been written and with all we have seen, there's nothing that prepares us for the sorrow when it is our loved one. Take advice from all who have gone before you--don't even consider going through it alone.

Dementia Signage for the Home

Weekly Planner (Bright Pink) Memo Pad

$30.95

Weekly To Do List Notepad (White)

$30.95

EZ-C Bold Yellow Weekly To Do List Notepad

Red Dry Erase Board

Dementia Signage for the Home

Behavior Triggers Log (Sky Blue) Memo Note Pad

Bathroom Door Sign-Temporary/Reusable Wall Skins

Calendar Appointment Reminder Stickers (White)

Canned Foods Shelf Sign/ Bumper Stickers

Daily Pain Journal (Sky Blue) Memo Notepad

Daily Fatigue Journal (Sky Blue) Scratch Pads

Thursday, October 10, 2013

How can I help mom manage her finances?

The job of caring for elder relatives often includes helping them with their finances in some fashion, from checking that the utility bills get paid or the tax returns get filed, to taking over the financial management completely. As important as it is to make sure the lights stay on, you may meet some degree of resistance when you try to help with the finances. For many elders, being able to take care of their own finances is an important symbol of independence and self-worth. Consequently, they may hold on to the checkbook like it's a life preserver in stormy seas.

For many caregivers, the resistance you get and the feeling that you are invading your relative's privacy may leave you less than completely aware of your elder's finances. You may not know where the important information is, what bills need to be paid, or if there are important deadlines that need to be kept. If you wait until the elder becomes incapacitated to broach the subject of paperwork, the elder won't be of much help, and locating important documents can be a much more difficult process.

To avoid such a circumstance, you should make sure that you or another family member knows where to find personal documents, such as income tax returns, powers of attorney, wills and living wills, health and life insurance policies. In addition, a family member should be familiar with the elder's financial resources and obligations, including bank accounts, pension plan, annuities, investments, and real estate. Organizing this information in advance can save time and frustration later.

A List for Emergencies
A good place to start is to create a list of the important information you would need to know in case of an emergency. Your elder may want to keep such a list in her possession but tell you where to find it, or she may prefer to give it to you. She may also prefer to keep certain information with a trusted third party such as an attorney or accountant.

The list might be a simple description of where to find important documents. For example, the elder might write, "There's a gray metal file box in my closet that contains my safe deposit box key, my insurance policies, the deed for my home, and a listing of stock certificates. My checkbook and current bills are located in the top left desk drawer. My attorney John Johnson has copies of my will, living, and trust agreements, and my accountant Mike McMichael has copies of my income tax returns." Your elder also may want to include a list of friends and relatives who should be contacted in a serious emergency or upon her death.

List of Important Documents and Information
Documents:

Wills
Trusts
Durable Powers of Attorney
Advance Health Care Directive (Living Will)
Insurance or annuity contracts
House deed and mortgage note
Title to auto or other property
Health Insurance benefits statement and ID#
Asset statements

Information:

Important contacts: advisors, care representatives, etc.
Medical information
Bills and due dates
Mortgage and other loans
Utilities
Insurance premiums
Credit cards
Property taxes
Tax returns, estimated tax coupons, and due dates
Social Security Benefits
Pension or annuity benefits

Organizing Information
Here are some strategies to help your elder organize and manage financial information:

Use a filing system

If your elder has a good system for keeping her bills in order, ask her to show it to you so you are familiar with it. If she doesn't already have one, you can create a computer-based system using a program such as Quicken, or you can create a simple paper filing system. For a paper system, you can use a large, collapsible manila file, label a set of manila folders from A to Z, then place them in the file. When a bill is paid, the statement can be filed in the appropriate folder, such as "E" for electricity, and "T" for telephone. At the end of each month or at the end of the year, it will be much easier to match these statements with your elder's checkbook. Ask her to keep her canceled checks and monthly checking account statements in the filing system. These are necessary to track direct deposits and some income tax deductions, such as charitable contributions or medical expenses.

Do an Annual Review
At the end of the year, help your elder make a list of all investments and sources of income: pension funds, stocks, bonds, annuities, rental property, etc. Each of these will generate financial information that must be reported on state and federal income tax forms. If you have a master list that is updated at the end of each year, you'll know what to look for the following year.

Keep Track of Deadlines

Set up a "tickler file" to remind your elder when a tax deadline or other important deadline is approaching. April 15 is the deadline for federal income taxes, but many seniors also must pay quarterly estimated taxes, which are due on April 15, June 15, September 15, and January 15. Ask your elder for a copy of their estimate tax coupons or a duplicate of Declaration of Estimated Tax.

If Your Relative Refuses Your Help

If the elder refuses your efforts to help, you may want to ask her to sit down with you once a month to review her bills, just so you can become familiar with the routine in case you need to do it for her one day. Even better, you can offer to enter the information in a computer-based system and review the summary printouts with her. Many utility companies will allow you to be listed as an emergency contact if the bill has gone so far past due that the service is in danger of being discontinued. Many institutions will allow your relative to request that you receive duplicate statements or that you be allowed to access information about your relative's account.

Although helping your elder manage their financial information may be a lot of work, it may be necessary to protect her from costly mistakes or from those people that might take advantage of her. And having a handle on her affairs today will make things a lot easier for you or other family members when she's no longer able to explain things to you or help you find important documents.