Avoiding Resentments Over Caregiving

When an elderly parent's health begins to fail, one adult child generally becomes the primary caregiver. And while this may work well for a time, it can eventually cause resentment when you find yourself shouldering most of the burden—especially if other siblings live nearby yet don't help out.
What to do about your resentment? Before you blurt out words that you'll regret later, it's important to take a look at why you stepped up to the plate in the first place. In other words, Why did you put yourself in this position?

There are many reasons that people take on the role of primary caregiver, such as closer proximity to the elderly parent or greater availability to help out. But just as often it's because they see themselves as most able to do the job. Unfortunately, a competent and capable adult child who has taken on the role of caregiver often begins doing more and more until eventually she or he becomes responsible for the majority of the caregiving duties.

While it's best to involve other siblings early on before such a pattern develops, it is possible to redistribute the responsibility later in the game. Here are some ideas for opening the lines of communication and enlisting the support of your siblings:

• Call a family meeting: Whether by conference call or in person, schedule a time to meet with all of your siblings, even those from out of town, to discuss what needs to be done to help your parents.
• Make a written agenda: Write down an agenda for discussion. Write down details of all you are doing now, such as health care, home obligations and transportation.
• Do as much listening as talking: Explain how you feel in a matter-of-fact way. But be open to other's feelings and viewpoints, too. Your siblings may not have been aware of how much you've been doing. Or perhaps they are feeling hurt and angry about being left out and uninformed about your parent's needs.
• Be specific about what you want: Have an idea beforehand about which tasks you'd like to be relieved of rather than just a general appeal for help. Perhaps you'd like someone to take over the driving to physical therapy appointments, or give a hand with grocery shopping or meal preparation.
• Divide up tasks: Split up the labor among those present. While there are many ways of doing this, Coon suggests dividing chores by expertise. A family member with experience in health issues could take on all of the medical appointments, for example. Or the person with good business sense might handle legal issues. And make sure to include siblings who live a distance away. Even if they can't help with day-to-day needs, they might offer money for a housekeeper, or be willing to come every few months to take over and give others a break.
• Don't expect total equality: It's not likely that you'll achieve total equality in division of tasks. This is okay. It's more important to make sure that all siblings have a manageable lifestyle, that all can help to alleviate some of the stress on each other.

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