Promises and Reality

You stare in at your mom who is lying in the hospital bed. She had her stroke only two months ago, and she’s making good progress here in the rehabilitation hospital. You didn’t think you would see her smile again or even attempt to talk. Yet, here she is now, doing better than you could have expected.

But as you watch, you feel your smile falter. Yes, she’s doing great, and the insurance companies are pushing for her to come home. The problem is you don’t have a clue about medical practices. You have a husband, children, a job, and a home. The doctors are all saying that it would be better if she was in a nursing home, but that thought makes large butterflies pound in your stomach. You promised her. You can’t go back on your promise, but what are you supposed to do?

Many adults are facing this situation, and it isn’t an easy choice. Nursing homes have a bad reputation in our culture, but in some cases, they are an absolute necessity. Before you turn away and convince yourself that you would never use a nursing home, you should consider a few things that may help you come to the best decision for all involved.

Your Loved One’s Needs

The first person to consider in all this confusion and emotion is your loved one. They may need a family around them to give them support and the comfort of living in a place they recognize, but you have to ask yourself if this is the safest course for all involved. Your house may not be accessible for someone who can’t negotiate stairs, can’t safely get into a bathtub, and needs constant supervision. For as much as you may want to bring your family member home, your house may be fraught with unrecognized dangers that can cause more harm.

You also have to consider what they need medically. Some stroke victims need regular undergarment changes, redirection to more appropriate activities, and specialized feeding routines. If you have a job or family, it may be very difficult to provide these services, and in some cases, it is impossible. Short of becoming a nurse yourself, some stroke care is beyond the ken of average folk. Your loved one may need the nursing home environment because the skills to care for them are simply beyond your ability.

Your Own Needs

It may sound selfish to consider your own needs in this decision, but you have to address them because they will affect the quality of care you are able to provide. If you work and need to work to survive financially, you cannot commit yourself to caring for your loved one around the clock. Even caring for them when you are not working will take a toll on you, and you will come to resent your loved one, possibly not caring for them as well as you would like.

If you have a family, you need to consider their needs, too. Young children require attention and supervision, and you would be adding to your load if your loved one comes home. It isn’t fair to your children to lack a parent, and it isn’t fair to your loved one who may always come second to your kids. Older kids may help, but this is putting another chore on them that they don’t want. Teens already dislike chores, and you don’t want them to see your loved one as just another chore. They would get far better treatment and attention in a skilled facility.

You also need to consider how much stress you can take. Everyone has stresses in their lives and adding a stroke victim to that list is sometimes too much. You are not less of a daughter or son, wife or husband because you need time to take care of you. If you do not consider your feelings, you may grow to resent your loved one and exist in a constant state of stress. This can lead to health and emotional problems as you continually ignore your needs.

Promises and Reality

Everyone makes a promise to their loved one and to themselves that they will never even consider a nursing home, no matter what. The truth of this axiom is that it just isn’t possible in all cases. You may feel a stark sense of your own betrayal if you agree to put your loved one in a nursing home, but how horrible will you feel when you can’t adequately care for them and you are emotionally running on empty?

In the end, this is a decision that has to be made with safety and sanity in mind. If you look at your loved one and look at the situation with honest eyes, you must decide what is best for them and for you. Don’t ignore the idea of a nursing home because you feel it is a betrayal. Instead, think of it as finding the place where everyone can be safe and happy.

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