Let's say you have a brother in a distant state who says he'd be happy to help out by paying for some respite care for you, the caregiver, but he just doesn't have the money.
Maybe he's right. He doesn't have the money. But there are other ways he can help, if he actually wants to. He can take over some of the bookkeeping tasks that suck time from your day. He can be the point person for sorting through Medicare bills and other health insurance issues. He can, especially in this day of Internet communication, become part of the caregiving unit by providing whatever help he can.
"I Can't Bear to See Mom/Dad Like That"
They think you like it? Day after day you watch the decline. You help them with everything, including very intimate day-to-day functions, such as toileting. Do your siblings think this step has been easy for you?
The first time I took my dad to the bathroom is branded on my brain. Mom had gone out to run an errand and there was no choice. Dad had to go.
I was sick over the thought that he'd find the process humiliating. Thank God, it didn't seem to bother him. But it was very hard on me. This was my dad. Yes, he'd changed my diapers when I was a baby. But no matter how much of him illness had taken, I wanted to preserve his dignity, and having ones' kids take over bathroom duties isn't what most people would want. However, I did what needed to be done, and soon it was automatic. After a time, I never gave it a thought.
Other agonizing adjustments we make as we watch our parents decline include bathing parents, feeding them, coping with irrational outbursts, dressing them, and just about any other duty one can do for a child, without a thought.
Please don't misunderstand. Most of us are honored to be able to help our elders through these stages. It's the sadness of coping with their decline that causes our pain. Don't our siblings understand that we "can't bear to see him or her like this" either? Probably not. Maybe we are just braver than they are. Maybe we are just more "dutiful." Maybe we are just, well, on the spot. Whatever the reason, we step up to the plate and do what is required. If we're uncomfortable, we do it anyway. We get over our discomfort.
Be Direct With Requests for Help
Caregivers should use some insight. We need to examine whether or not we've made direct requests and if we've actually given our siblings a chance to help. Some "outside" siblings complain that they aren't let into the caregiving circle. This does happen. A caregiver who never directly asks for help forfeits the right to complain about unhelpful siblings.
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